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I'm back - literally and figuratively

I didn't even recognize my journal page I've been away for so long.
SHIT. Life is interesting, if nothing else.

BF is WAY FUCKING OFF OF THE RAILS.
Sunday 15 x 80 and 20 x 30 = 430 mg per day of Oxy. Ya...I'm being really flat out lied to.
He'll pay handsomely to get more yesidoodledandy.
should be 1800 / 80 = 22.5 days, NOT 4 DAYS.
FML, MMT

Picking up

did 5 mg hydro today. Talked at work about whether we're going to make it or not. Stress city for sure. I'm not as concerned that I can't be 100% clean and that CAN'T be good. No meetings lately but am hanging my hat on seeing the doc and getting on a program on Thursday.

It's Valentine's Day and no big deal. No candy, no cards. Drove with CPH and Em to In-N-Out, Em's fav restaurant. Pouring down rain. We laughed all the way out that this particular dinner was defin. in our budget.

Had a problem today with #1 Son and that really hurt. The baby is moving around and is about the size of a bell pepper. I had no idea! After my upset and hurt what was left was to impress that during this time in our lives, strong family ties have to come before anything else. We don't have anything else.

DON'T PICK UP DON'T PICK UP DON'T PICK UP.

But I know I will.

u go johnyinamerica - you make me laugh. Seriously though, I'm your new Jiminy Cricket

I Blew It

Five days sober and I caved. I am disappointed in myself but am not going to beat up on myself. When I went back to check my taper I realized I went too fast. (rationalization?) My weekend away was peaceful, and I was able to get down to I think 20 mg hydro. Well folks, I'm here to tell you that at least for me, that's not an acceptable stepping off point. I was unable to function - spent one whole day curled up on my army cot at work, the next day curled up in my bed, the following day I had to drag my ass to work because there was no one to cover the office. It took me 20+ minutes to walk what normally takes about 5 - 7 and when I got there I about had a nervous breakdown. SO. Saturday and today I went back on a very small dose of opiates. I admit - I couldn't do it.

BUT THE GREAT NEWS is that I'm keeping it to the BAREST minimum and will continue to taper. I have the GREAT fortune of having access to one of the top researchers and co-creator? of Suboxone, and although he no longer sees patients, a dear friend has gotten me in to see him. I'm hoping I can go on Suboxone and all of my troubles will be solved and we'll see triple rainbows and...

I fucked up and still have a long road ahead. I will install my bike in my room so that at least I can create endorphins instead of sitting in bed at night watching T.V.

I miss my natural endorphins and I want them back! I've heard that sometimes it takes months, or even a year. I know that it took me about a year after quitting drinking to feel normal.

For all of you who are in sobriety and going through day 5 or 12 or "picking up" or WHATEVER, I applaud and salute you. Don't give up - We are doing something fantastic!!

On My Way

I'm o & o for a while. going underground. Love to all.

Reaching Out

no expression, no expression
drown my sorrow, no tomorrow, no tomorrow

I find it kinda sad
the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had

very, very...

I want to reach out but I can't find the branch
can't find the right helping hand
looking for my own
amoung my people

look right through me

I find it kinda funny

...mad world

Mad World

Forgot my password and couldn't journal yesterday. Big mess. Lots of crying. Yelling. Fighting. Am calmer today but still melancholy. Spoke with my mother and sister who tried to be consoling despite their own problems. Can't seem to let anyone/thing in.

Went to 3 NA meetings in 2 days, have to consider total abstinence as an option i.e. no pot. Hm. Not right this second thanks. I need to take it one step at a time.

My stomach hurts pretty much all the time. Nothing severe but doesn't do well for the already fucked up mind mood. I thought the physical would be the worst of it but now I'm thinking it's the mental. Four days away. That should do the trick.

My First NA Meeting

Went alright. I cried a lot. It was in the mission district but mostly black men and women. A lot of young court-ordered who left as early as possible. Some good stuff, feeling bare, ashamed, ashamed that I'm in this situation and ashamed because I'm just spoiled and don't really have it all that bad. Am feeling bad bad bad. Took a pill around noon so I'm not really weepy or such. BF once again gobbled up all of his pills so now he's completely dopesick but he deserves it. Sorry, but he does. He's been a total PRICK boyfriend while honking up all of the dope. Sheesh.

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Still feeling like shit

I've tapered down to 4) 5 mg percocet a day - maybe 5) if you count in the middle of the night. Now I know why people go away for 90 days. I can hardly make it as it is. I know that the whole next month will be a nightmare for me. Not to mention I'm premenstrual so will probably feel even WORSE. I've been crying all day. My lower back hurts. I have to schlep two blocks to work with heavy bags. My muscles ache and I was REALLY HOPING I would have an e-mail from the doctor but no sadly. I should have gone to a meeting last night but instead I just argued with BF who wants to "have sex" before I leave for the weekend (which he won't shut up about how he wishes he could go and it's bad timing on my part and he doesn't want to be left high and dry and he wants to get loaded while I'm gone meaning he STILL doesn't get it...) He forgets that the copious amount of drugs he's been loading into his system has rendered him completely IMPOTENT and forget about libido. The thought of it makes me feel like being raped while in an alcoholic stupor. Ya, that's how much it appeals.

My shirt sleeves smell like the dinner I cooked a few nights ago and I want to puke. Ha! I wonder if they would smell any better with Michael Kors perfume all over, I doubt it.

I've been using Ativan to put me to sleep at night.

CPH asked why I was crying today. He felt like I was leaving him out by not telling him. as IF I even know. The only thing I know is that I shouldn't have had to walk home in the freezing snow with no mittens and no parents.

Intense stomach cramps again. I already took one IMM which is a joke because I don't have diarrhea but it's supposed to stop the cramps.

I can't wait until Friday

Staying on Track and Feeling Like Shit

I could feel worse - A LOT worse. I could also feel A LOT better. I'm trying to get to the point where I AM A LOT sober. I've only had 2) 5 mg. oxy today and am sort of waiting until 4 p.m. to have another. I'm not sure if I'll need it, but I had a breakdown after the gym today so maybe I should stick with my taper of 5 mg. every 4 - 6 hours.

BF really wants me to come over tonight but we just fight all of the time. Since he's out of "good" drugs he may be normal, but I'm not sure about that. I don't want to be around him at all. I'm anxious to hear what Dr. M. has to say about tapering and quitting. I'm looking forward to spending a few days away from all of my stressful situations.

Going Down

I haven't been doing my taper like I should. BF is freaking out because I'm leaving for 4 days. I'm somber, have been doing BARE MINIMUM pills and the mindfuck is worse than the getting sick. Guilt, restlessness, fear, self-degradation, etc. etc.

I forgot about this part and the chills part too. I'm sure I can muscle through it but it would be great to have SOME SUPPORT.

Am supposed to see BF tonight but would rather go to a meeting. I work in Meeting Central (SOMA/S.F.) so I bet I can sneak out to one some time during work today.

E-mailed partner's doctor today and am waiting for what advice he has and is willing to give me. He's one of the top opiate addiction researchers in the area. I hope he can give me some professional advice, because I don't know if steeping off where I am is such a great thing for me to take on right now. Bottom line is I'd rather wait a few more weeks than risk a RELAPSE.

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