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I Blew It

Five days sober and I caved. I am disappointed in myself but am not going to beat up on myself. When I went back to check my taper I realized I went too fast. (rationalization?) My weekend away was peaceful, and I was able to get down to I think 20 mg hydro. Well folks, I'm here to tell you that at least for me, that's not an acceptable stepping off point. I was unable to function - spent one whole day curled up on my army cot at work, the next day curled up in my bed, the following day I had to drag my ass to work because there was no one to cover the office. It took me 20+ minutes to walk what normally takes about 5 - 7 and when I got there I about had a nervous breakdown. SO. Saturday and today I went back on a very small dose of opiates. I admit - I couldn't do it.

BUT THE GREAT NEWS is that I'm keeping it to the BAREST minimum and will continue to taper. I have the GREAT fortune of having access to one of the top researchers and co-creator? of Suboxone, and although he no longer sees patients, a dear friend has gotten me in to see him. I'm hoping I can go on Suboxone and all of my troubles will be solved and we'll see triple rainbows and...

I fucked up and still have a long road ahead. I will install my bike in my room so that at least I can create endorphins instead of sitting in bed at night watching T.V.

I miss my natural endorphins and I want them back! I've heard that sometimes it takes months, or even a year. I know that it took me about a year after quitting drinking to feel normal.

For all of you who are in sobriety and going through day 5 or 12 or "picking up" or WHATEVER, I applaud and salute you. Don't give up - We are doing something fantastic!!


opitates, recovery, detox

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March 2011