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I'm not doing really GREAT on my taper program. Am slipping here and there but keeping steady nonetheless. I've found a nice place with a hot tub to get away for 4 days. I have a good friend who's going to go through the process with me. My partner's doctor is one of the leading researchers on opiate addiction in the country, so I'm going to talk to him next week to make sure I'm not doing something incredibly stupid by stepping off at the wrong time. I'm DETERMINED to stop this opiate addiction, even if I have to suffer. I'm suffering so much right now by my own hand, a few days of w/ds is not going to kill me. I'm looking forward to coming out on the other side.


Just wanted to say that. Not doing the vitamins. Am on the phone with BF and he DOESN'T GET IT. He's going on and on and on and on and on and on about himself.

At least Tom gets a job out of it.That's the good news.


Fucked up

YesterdayI was supposed to taper and I didn't. I managed to hold off on my first dose until around 8:30 instead of 5:30. I consider that a win.I scored for BF and it was irritating and definitely the LAST TIME. He's a really bad influence. I can't say it's his fault that I did a little extra yesterday, but I can also say I wouldn't have done it if he'd not been around. I'm trying to make up for it today - only 15 mg oxy all day! I don't know if it's harder to kick oxy than hydros. I know I don't need nearly as much but that might be stinkin' thinkin'.

Yesterday I had a complete breakdown. I have until Thursday to buy my effing car or turn it in. I checked my credit score and all 3 are in the 700s so that's better than I thought.

I have $2,000.00 in the (business) bank account and need 25K for payroll by Thursday and another 35K for bills. HA HA HA.

Rough Patch

Got through a rough patch with a little pot. I totally blew it, sitting at my desk smoking and forgot I'd told a client to stop by. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She looked a bit put off and C. would be FURIOUS if he found out. More Stress. At least I got through the urge.

You can look at it this way - you can get into the energy and adrenaline of fighting the urge. Sounds good in theory. I just have to stay on track and get my body and mind ready for the bomb.

No Gentle Yoga

Need suggestions for stupid mindless movies. Or something like Funniest Animals on the Planet. That makes me actually laugh thinking about it (I caught a snippet last night - I do have AP on quite a bit which seems odd to me). Have to keep in mind PMS, peri-menopausal. I'll look for a good doctor because my OB/GYN is worthless in that department. HAH! Wait 'til she's my age - then she'll wish they'd had more than "only one chapter on it in medical school". :)


Writer's Block: Timeless tales

What were your favorite books as a child, and why?

When We Were Very Young by A.A. Milne. It still is my favorite book and I keep it on my nightstand. I probably love it so much because it's a rare memory of my young childhood.

More w/ds - time to take action

Am off to the gym soon. As I suspected, I'm not feeling all that hot. Sides ache. I feel "thick". Need to take my afternoons or I won't make it.


Mild w/ds

Mild w/ds are settling in - sniffles, achy, bloated barfy. All just kinda. I had a moment of panic because I thought I'd left all my pills at home then resigned myself then found them.Lunch with partner then to the gym around 2:30. Will have to do my "afternoon" dose before the gym I think - otherwise I'll probably get the freezing chills and gat-gun sneezing. Have to check the calendar since I upped my taper - I hope that today is not a taper day! If so, I'll prob. do 1 1/2 "afternoon" and 1 1/2 at bed time.

Never a dull moment! I may attend an NA meeting tonight or tomorrow night. Am researching multivis. Dr. Weil has a good site, and not very pricey like Metagenics etc.

Better yet, it would be a good time to go to Gentle Yoga tonight. We'll see.

Writer's Block: How could you?

I'm intrinsically not the "take back" kind of person. If you don't want me, that's fine. I'll get over it.

A Successful Day

I didn't get a change to post. I was busy, afraid, and stormed out after a famous altercation with partner. I had to go cool off so I went to the corner store and read some on my color Nook, a gift to myself and well worth it. I finished my book today - Little Brother by Cory Doctorow, soon to be on every HS reading list in the country (my guess). It was very good, way different than the other books I normally read.

Had some phone time with Mom which I find important, but I don't have a lot to say these days.

I was successful with my dosage and have to check the taper calendar. I decided that I also deserve some PRIZES and PREZZIES as my sobriety reached toward the 100 day mark. I found an errant $100 bill in my wallet so on the 100th day I'm going to spend that money. Maybe I'll give it to a shelter. If all goes well, my 100th day will be around May 17th - formerly known as "the most useless day of the year". I'm glad I can give that day a memorable spot in my life.

Am anxious/nervous but feeling that I'm already healing in body and mind. I'm thinking, this may not be so bad after all (RIIIIGGGHHHHTTT!!!!) I think that because of our wretched economic state I'll probably stay at CPH's the first two nights, then switch out and have him take the kids to his house so that I can be at home for the second two. Other options include going to L.A. which NOW IS NOT THE TIME for that, or renting a hotel room or vacation rental up in Inverness (preferred but costs).

I'm so saddened by Jamie's condition. We spent Wed. night together and it was hard for me - his slurred speech, drooping eyelids, smell of cigars in the house...his avid denial then agreement that translates that he'll say WHATEVER he can to manipulate the situation. He doesn't mean it, he's just lived it for so long that he can't see another way out. I told him, "You can't throw money at this and make it go away. You can't throw your charm at it. You can't throw your weight around anymore".

Meels asked Christina if he was stoned all the time. She said, "I never see anyone in my family actually getting high but I know that they do. I wish they would just tell me what's going on!" I think I need to respect her .

I once again passed the 2 o'clock mark, and gym without medicating. It's a lot easier I've found to just wait and take the 2) afternoon pills on my way home instead of 1 and 1. Right now I'm getting sweaty just thinking about it but I know that this will pass.

One Day At A Time

I ran out of oxycodone so today I started out with two Norcos. I have a feeling that the Norcos will not work quite as well as the oxy to stave off the bad feelings, but I'll get through it. If I have to, I'll take a few Ativan and a nap this afternoon. Of all the reading I've done, I know (like I didn't already) that ramping up EVEN FOR ONE DAY is a really, really bad idea.

I've started taking high-quality vitamins twice a day in preparation for my big weekend. I watch what I eat, and have given up a lot of the gross food I was eating - pastries from the corner, ALL soda (I don't even like soda but I started drinking it), most sweets, most take out. I'm making healthy food for dinner almost every night. The Catch 22 is that it's very difficult to function after a long full day without medicating. I also still have Metagenics UltaClear that expired in August of 2009 but I think it will be alright. I'm going to ease into that too because it contains all of the stuff that takes the toxins out of the body.

I have hope but I'm still unhappy.


opitates, recovery, detox

Latest Month

March 2011